The question came up last night at GC if forgive and forget is biblical? Or is forgive and don’t forget it biblical?
Forgiving is not forgetting, it is honoring God in all things first. We so often think life is about us, but life is about God and His glory. When God get’s glory our hearts find freedom and joy by living the right way we were made. So we forgive, but also in forgiving it means that we don’t give people “blank checks” because it only causes more harm to them than good.
Let me give you some parameters about forgiving:
- Forgiving is not condoning – You are not condoning someone’s actions or abuse by forgiving. Forgiving is setting someone free, in the depths of your heart, to resolve for YOU to live free from bitterness and anger. This is different than condoning what someone did.
- Forgiving is NOT forgetting – If someone hurts you 20x’s in a row, it doesn’t mean YOU FORGET…some people are toxic and dangerous and you may need to set up strong boundaries to keep them away. What you are doing is setting them free to not have anger against them (but you CAN STILL REMEMBER and not be in a room with them again). Forgiveness is the state where our own heart resides in – it doesn’t mean you continue to get abused, gossiped about, or lied to…you forgive, you become well…
- Forgiving does not always mean reconciliation – Forgiveness doesn’t mean you will be friends again; it doesn’t mean everything goes back the way it was. It takes 2 people to reconcile, where forgiveness only takes you.
- Forgiveness is a different issue than justice – It is OK to call the police on people whom you have forgiven. If someone breaks in to your house, forgiveness is not “you want my stereo too…” Forgiveness is when you stop harboring evil intent for them (even WHILE the police haul them off).
We must also understand that:
- Forgiving is personal. You forgive people (not institutions or businesses).
- Forgiveness is a process. Forgiveness takes time to process through, but we DO process through it. If you have carried garbage for years it is hard to forgive in 10 minutes.
Some people get suckered into the “you’re supposed to forgive me, let me back into your life.” Sometimes you have to say “no” because that is the best way to protect yourself or your family while also extending the love of God.
Romans 12:17-21 Do not repay anyone evil for evil.” Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. He says “don’t use their behavior to excuse your own.” If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
I believe Paul brings God into the issue of forgiving because forgiveness is honoring God in all things first. We lay everything at His feet so we can pick up and live His life. That’s the beauty of the gospel.
I would also recommend that you listen to the message we did during the Esther series about revenge and forgiveness.